dear peach is the advice column, accepting mail at peachbellini444@gmail.com. some letters have been edited for clarity. i’ve also given you a pseudonym if you did not give one to yourself, because i have one and i didn’t want you to feel lonely. you can write to peach at any time using the email above.
Dear Peach,
I am actually amazing. I've been eating well, working out, reading, writing, spending quality time with friends and family, etc. But I'm unemployed. And I have a lot of ennui and ambivalence when it comes to the idea of employment--well, I guess everyone does.
I live in New Jersey. I want to move to New York City. That had been the plan post-college. It is now coming up on a year and five months post-college graduation, and I'm still in New Jersey (no hate to Jersey). No jobs, no leads, nothing. Maybe it's because I'm not trying hard enough, I get that, because honestly I don't want a job. I want to write and I want to live in the city and make new friends. That's what I want. I'm writing a book, and have sent it out to about forty agents, so now I wait. But do I continue applying to boring-ass assistant jobs, even though I don't want that?
I guess, what I'm asking is, where's the line? At what point do I add reason to my dreams? And at what point do I say fuck it, move to the city, and just let myself figure it out even if that may be hell. Because I feel as if I'm rotting here spiritually, perhaps creatively. There's so many people in the city I'd like to meet, hang out with, connect with, and NJ transit isn't ideal. It is such a great metaphor honestly, my dreams are so close, yet so far.
I really just want someone to believe in me, believe in my work ethic, my values, my mind. And belief is hard to come by these days. Sorry that there is no clear-cut question, but that is my life right now: multitude of questions that I myself can't even articulate. Do I move to the city, or should I not rush the process? Do I keep applying to jobs, or wait for someone to--hopefully--pick up my book, or both? I just want to get my life started, I feel like I'm wasting my youth. I'm about to turn twenty-three years old, and yeah, I know that's not old, but, like, I'd much rather spend this time clubbing than what I'm doing now (eating every meal with my father and a fat load of nothing). Anyways. Would love any input. Thank you so much.
All the best,
Sidecar
Dear Sidecar (the drink, not the motorcycle accoutrement),
In just a few months of writing this advice column, I’ve noticed a familiar theme among seemingly disconnected queries. Many people write to me asking, essentially, should I stay or should I go? Should I break up with my boyfriend or stick it out? Should I move to the new city or stay in my hometown? Maybe this is the essential drive behind any “big decision” — that which pits familiarity against opportunity. But I also think that people ask me to weigh in on such things because they intuitively know what I’m going to say, and need a bit of an external push.
I admire your admission in the last paragraph: I just really want someone to believe in me. I think that this is a common feeling, especially among our cohort of ennui-plagued 20-somethings, but it’s not easy to say out loud. It’s not that there’s a sense of Haters Praying On My Downfall and we need some positive messaging to balance it out. It’s that there’s no messaging.
You arrive at adulthood, the train tracks run out, and you’re stuck holding the bag of romantic adolescent visions of what this period would look like for you — for most of us, this does not look like standing aimlessly at a railroad crossing. I won’t insult your intelligence by suggesting the Hallmark version of an answer to who will believe in me? by suggesting that it, of course, will have to be you. But I will say that, in order to make that happen, you have to prove to yourself that you are someone worth believing in.
I want to write and I want to live in a new city and I want to make friends is an excellent manifesto for your next steps because it is a collection of extremely achievable goals. You are not writing to me saying “I am a homeless teen who wants to live in a penthouse rent-free and win an academy award.” I don’t think you’re asking me to help you weigh the risks of your decision. It sounds like you have a supportive family that would take you back in should things hit the absolute bottom in the city. I think perhaps your question is about mitigating the uncertainties that will come with this next step, which you surely want to take.
“You can have anything you want but you can’t have everything you want” is a quote I reference often. You can move to the city and spend your time writing and make new friends, no problem. Might you live in a basement apartment with four roommates? You might. Might you become disappointed, listless, depressed, even, when the promise of the city doesn’t quite match up to what you imagined? You might. The real struggle here is about trusting yourself to navigate uncertain, unfavorable outcomes. That is how you get to the mythical self-belief that advice columnists like me are always on about.
You are safe where you are, but you are not getting what you want. If you go after what you want, you will have to create a safety that can travel — one that can get bumped around and sleep in odd places and get crafty when the first of the month rolls around. You will, in other words, have to believe in the home of yourself. And you can’t just pitch it up in one day. You build it over time by practicing discomfort and resistance, and by falling asleep counting your heartbeats to show yourself that you’re still here at the end of everything.
It is my unpopular opinion that figuring out what you want is the most difficult part of life. So, consider yourself lucky in that respect. And if you really need it from the outside, I’ll tell you this: I believe in you.
Love,
Peach
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