Dear Peach: Flirting Outside Monogamy, When Your Ex Dates A Teenager, and Finding Your Matrix of Chill

dear peach is the advice column, accepting mail at peachbellini444@gmail.com. some letters have been edited for clarity. i’ve also given you a pseudonym if you did not give one to yourself, because i have one and i didn’t want you to feel lonely. you can write to peach at any time using the email above.

Dear Peach,

I love my boyfriend of two years very much! We met working at a bakery and bonded over our shared love of the outdoors, a second language in common, and a very strong hatred for our boss! He’s really so sweet and loving! AND YET, I love flirting. Like I feel like I need it sometimes and I wonder if it’s because I’m a bit more poly on the spectrum of sexuality or if I’m just conditioned to desire male attention to such a degree that I’m always seeking it.

To be clear, I’m bisexual and while I still flirt girls on occasion I don’t feel like I need it, if that makes sense. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m addicted to that feeling of someone (a man) being interested in me and the sexual tension of a flirtation. I don’t even really like some of the guys I flirt with, I just like getting attention and feeling sexy. I have such a profound desire and need to be loved by everyone and sometimes I feel like the only way to be loved is to be sexually attractive. So what’s the big whoop??? I feel like I’m edging cheating sometimes and that I’m not the best partner:(

Best,

Corpse Reviver

Dear Corpse Reviver,

A tale as old as time! I love my perfect boyfriend and yet I still experience desire. WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?

I don’t mean to trivialize your predicament. It is genuinely confusing and, at times, harrowing. I can promise you that you are not alone in all this — the initial feeling or the guilt that follows. It’s a sticky web, right? You start going through all the reasons why this might be happening to you: am I actually polyamorous? Is this desire real or patriarchically manufactured? Am I terrible?

If you know anything about my approach (and you probably do, which is why you’re writing to me), you know that I try to resist pathologizing or over-intellectualizing such intensely human and natural things like desire. It is normal to enjoy flirting with other people, yes even specifically men, yes even if you have an incredible boyfriend who you love. It is normal (and healthy!) to feel fulfilled with your relationship and still be in deep contact with your desire, which functions and wants beyond what satiates practically.

Everyone is afraid of the power of women’s desire — women themselves especially so. We shouldn’t be. Does this mean that we should all cheat on our wonderful boyfriends? Well, no, we probably shouldn’t. But being afraid of your own desire could put you on the path to stepping out of your relationship in a way that you later feel horrible about. Any feeling that goes without light gets bigger and more vicious. You don’t have to tame a tiger if you just play with the cat.

At the risk of getting into too much of the weeds about desire (manufactured vs natural, if such a distinction is even possible or necessary, etc), I do have to say this, which is not said to young women who date men enough: it is an absolutely insane assault on the brain to tell young women that the purpose of their lives is to be desirable to men — every man — up until the point where they should decide to monogamously commit themselves to one man. At which point they should, of course, still be desirable to every man but no longer feel invested in that outcome, as they have already proven themselves worthy to the one that really matters.

It’s okay if some of your desire comes from the conditioning that being attractive to men is what keeps you afloat as a person — this is in fact an incredibly rational, logical response to a world with such twisted logic.

Whether or not flirting is a part of your relationship contract is very individual and I would encourage talking with your boyfriend at length (I know, scary) about this if part of your anxiety comes from potentially violating his trust. It may seem like a conversation you could never have, but I promise you that it is possible. I’ve had it with several boyfriends. It may surprise you to hear that you are not actually a freak — plenty of people enjoy flirting with other people and find it to be a perfectly acceptable thing to do within the bounds of a monogamous relationship, with specific parameters that will of course work differently for each couple. This is something that is best discussed in full transparency, and I actually think that opening up this dialogue between you two would help with the tough feelings you’ve been having.

Godspeed,

Peach