Dear Peach: Me vs. Me
lying in my journal, to succumb or overcome, desire as a compass
dear peach is the advice column, accepting mail at peachbellini444@gmail.com. some letters have been edited for clarity. i’ve also given you a pseudonym if you did not give one to yourself, because i have one and i didn’t want you to feel lonely. you can write to peach at any time using the email above.
Mostly, my inbox is full of people wondering if they should dump their partner, move cities, or change jobs. Man versus Man, Man versus World… two of the most classic literary tropes of all time. But my favorite literary trope, and the one that seemed to preoccupy readers the most this month, is Man versus Self. Here’s what I had to say to three people battling themselves.
Dear Peach,
I started this new year with a promise to myself to journal about my everyday events and feelings. Unfortunately, I have this insane issue where I literally write lies about how I'm feeling or things I'm experiencing.
I know this journal is just for myself, and I don't live at home so there's no risk of anyone reading it. I'm not sure what makes me lie in it, and sometimes I don't even really realize I've fabricated some fake analysis of my feelings until I read it back.
I know how crazy it is to lie in your own journal, and I've tried reflecting on why I feel this need to lie about feeling happy/sad/apathetic etc. I feel like something is deeply wrong with me and I don't understand why I'm unable to be truthful and vulnerable with myself.
Do you have any tips or tricks to combat this? Your writing and music has changed my life and I really admire your gentle and eloquent approach to your advice column.
Thanks,
Espresso Martini
Dear Espresso Martini,
I need some sort of button I can press that says THERE IS NOTHING DEEPLY WRONG WITH YOU <3. Or, at least, there is nothing happening inside of you that isn’t also happening inside of many other people. I think if I sold that button I would become a millionaire.
I hope it isn’t insensitive to say that I was fascinated with this question and with your dilemma — hopefully this helps dissuade any fear that this behavior is disturbing or off-putting to others? I think it gets at what’s always irked me about the Journaling Industrial Complex, which I feel has invented a mythical “perfect journaler” who is writing things that are both completely candid yet readable and poetic, though not pretentious. She is able to narrativize her life just as it happened with little to no embellishments, save for those that underscore profundity in the mundane.
Is it actually an issue that you’re “lying” in your journal? Who said that a journal needed to be a seamless blend between documentation, processing, and art? And is there a chance that not everything you write is a lie? Is there a chance that allowing your brain to be creative with the narrative is actually helping you move through your feelings? What does it even mean to be “honest” about the narrative of your own life as a person whose view will always be subjective? To me, admitting that you’re changing the narrative is the most honest position, because we are all doing that anyway. It’s just that sometimes we get delusional and call it truth.
Let’s reframe the pejorative “lying to myself in my journal” as the more permissive “creative exercises.” You seem to be worried about repressing things from yourself, but I’ve never seen anything hide as fervently as a child that’s being looked for. It may be advantageous to keep it playful. Sometimes, there’s nothing wrong with leaning into your inclinations and letting things unfold at their own pace. There’s no need to get to the bottom of everything right now. You have your whole life to write these stories.
Love,
Peach
Dear Peach,
I have pretty severe anxiety that hinders my every moment and ability to remember/focus for basic instructions at work. I think my hesitation to give SSRIs another go (besides feeling dumb and weird on them) is that I have an unrelenting hope or belief that all my mental struggles are relatively intentional and “the only way out is through” and rather than putting off working through it, may as well be right now.
I have some desperate cling to believing I can think my way out of it, push through my way into re-evaluating and overcoming whatever current mental nonsense I am struggling to overcome.
Is there a medium ground you think I should be finding? I say this because the current plan is not working and is hindering my ability to show up better and make friends in my workplace and life.
Thanks,
Orange