Just like Mary Oliver who says, “ To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.”
“My twelve year old self was in the trenches so that I could one day be twenty three, asking my boyfriend in a baby voice if he could fill up my water bottle.”
Me fr. Thank you for putting words to how it feels to finally be of survival mode.
Your writing is so fucking good. I also suffer from catastrophic thinking (a healthy dose of ocd and anxiety) and it makes every day a wild ride. It is so rare to find someone who is smart, self-aware, literary, and who actually gets it. Hats off to you
i have struggled with this kind of thinking since my stepmom/main maternal figure passed away suddenly when i was 16. every goodbye since, especially with my dad or bio mom, is frankly pathetic LOL. i’m talking boogery sobs and affirmations the whole way home, folks. i have come a long way with this since, and now at my ripe age of 24 i can say goodbyes with just a few tears and a “please text me when you get places.” mortality is so scary and idk if i’ll ever make peace with it entirely, but it sure is nice in the meantime to hear others relate!! and just fyi i am hoping u and everyone in this thread crosses the street safely 🫶
Since I was ten I have had a crippling fear that everyone I love including myself will die at any moment - I've not quite made peace with mortality, but like you Eliza I will continue to live and love regardless.
Ugg I have a similar line of thinking where if I am with someone I care about and they are eating I am terrified they are going to choke!! I imagine it the whole time we eat and any slight change of expression on their face will have me asking "are you choking?!?!?"
Haha! (Sorry, is laughing appropriate?) I do this specifically with my dad. He had a stroke once and now if he so much as goes to scratch his ear vigorously my heart starts pounding. Sometimes I just have to not look at him.
Wow and thank you. This is my private hell that I haven’t even shared fully with therapists. Because I’m very well aware of just how irrational it is. I was 11 when my father passed away unexpectedly and painfully. I came in from roller skating on the most joyfully gorgeous warm spring Sunday to receive this terrible news. I’m old now and mostly fine and have a wonderful zero-drama life filled with the best people. And. If my husband takes longer to get home from the grocery store, or if I know he is going to be working on a roof… if my adult daughter travels, or I know she’s on a long drive, or having really any unusual activity… Now, I no longer overshare my fears or try to control my loved one’s activities, but my inner world can come crashing in on itself pretty easily. Your essay landed magically on my feed just in the midst of my spinning out on the possibility of an injury my daughter has becoming catastrophically infected. Thank you for giving this a name for me, for sharing so candidly, and for the hope you just gave me that maybe I don’t have to live like this.
i’ve never had a word to put to this feeling before. i think it’s really awful that we can’t necessarily predict and control what lies ahead but i think i find comfort in the togetherness of that feeling.
thank you so much for opening up about this. I've definetely struggled with this kind of thought in the past, going insane when my mom wasn't home by dinner time thinking she'd been in a car accident, or when i don't get a 'i'm home' text from my friends after a night out, i don't think it's anything close to what you experience but i can relate in a way all the same, so thank you for putting words on it
Yes yes yes. I have experienced the same kind of mindset for many years since losing my dad in a freak accident. The helplessness is haunting! Thanks for writing this 🙏🏻💕
Just like Mary Oliver who says, “ To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.”
Making friends with anxiety!
“My twelve year old self was in the trenches so that I could one day be twenty three, asking my boyfriend in a baby voice if he could fill up my water bottle.”
Me fr. Thank you for putting words to how it feels to finally be of survival mode.
*out of survival mode.
Also me… echoing this thank you x1000
I’ve never heard someone explain this thinking before.. consider me self diagnosed
Your writing is so fucking good. I also suffer from catastrophic thinking (a healthy dose of ocd and anxiety) and it makes every day a wild ride. It is so rare to find someone who is smart, self-aware, literary, and who actually gets it. Hats off to you
i have struggled with this kind of thinking since my stepmom/main maternal figure passed away suddenly when i was 16. every goodbye since, especially with my dad or bio mom, is frankly pathetic LOL. i’m talking boogery sobs and affirmations the whole way home, folks. i have come a long way with this since, and now at my ripe age of 24 i can say goodbyes with just a few tears and a “please text me when you get places.” mortality is so scary and idk if i’ll ever make peace with it entirely, but it sure is nice in the meantime to hear others relate!! and just fyi i am hoping u and everyone in this thread crosses the street safely 🫶
my brother went camping in montana and i mourned him for the 4 days he was gone because i convinced myself he was going to get eaten by bears
This warmed my little OCD heart, thank u
Since I was ten I have had a crippling fear that everyone I love including myself will die at any moment - I've not quite made peace with mortality, but like you Eliza I will continue to live and love regardless.
Ugg I have a similar line of thinking where if I am with someone I care about and they are eating I am terrified they are going to choke!! I imagine it the whole time we eat and any slight change of expression on their face will have me asking "are you choking?!?!?"
Haha! (Sorry, is laughing appropriate?) I do this specifically with my dad. He had a stroke once and now if he so much as goes to scratch his ear vigorously my heart starts pounding. Sometimes I just have to not look at him.
Wow and thank you. This is my private hell that I haven’t even shared fully with therapists. Because I’m very well aware of just how irrational it is. I was 11 when my father passed away unexpectedly and painfully. I came in from roller skating on the most joyfully gorgeous warm spring Sunday to receive this terrible news. I’m old now and mostly fine and have a wonderful zero-drama life filled with the best people. And. If my husband takes longer to get home from the grocery store, or if I know he is going to be working on a roof… if my adult daughter travels, or I know she’s on a long drive, or having really any unusual activity… Now, I no longer overshare my fears or try to control my loved one’s activities, but my inner world can come crashing in on itself pretty easily. Your essay landed magically on my feed just in the midst of my spinning out on the possibility of an injury my daughter has becoming catastrophically infected. Thank you for giving this a name for me, for sharing so candidly, and for the hope you just gave me that maybe I don’t have to live like this.
i’ve never had a word to put to this feeling before. i think it’s really awful that we can’t necessarily predict and control what lies ahead but i think i find comfort in the togetherness of that feeling.
i can't believe how much i relate to this. holy shit thank you for making me feel less alone.
AHHHH!! I relate to this so much! I still have intrusive thoughts like that all the time.
thank you so much for opening up about this. I've definetely struggled with this kind of thought in the past, going insane when my mom wasn't home by dinner time thinking she'd been in a car accident, or when i don't get a 'i'm home' text from my friends after a night out, i don't think it's anything close to what you experience but i can relate in a way all the same, so thank you for putting words on it
girl, yes
Yes yes yes. I have experienced the same kind of mindset for many years since losing my dad in a freak accident. The helplessness is haunting! Thanks for writing this 🙏🏻💕