the eliza guide to gifting

for people you hate and love

listen, i know what this is. i know that the gift guide is a thinly-veiled attempt to show everyone what excellent taste you have — which niche perfumes dry down perfectly on you, the best shoes for dainty little feet, always, inexplicably, pricey olive oil…

i've been asked to contribute to a few gift guides this year, and each time feel a pale flush of anxiety rush through my body. what can i choose to signal that i am both cool in a slightly-out-of-reach way and at the same time totally down to earth? do i lean overly sincere, bordering on twee, or eclectic and brash? how should i reckon with the small level of influence that i have, and is it ethical to even propose that people need more stuff? in our modern world, is there a more easily communicable way to transmit one’s own ever-important BRAND and VIBE and positioning as a TRUSTED SOURCE than through a specifically curated guide of items to gift to someone’s most special people? the gift guide has a lot of FUCKING STAKES..!

that being said, i’m still making one, and i’m still contributing to others. my one promise to myself this year is to stop pulling my own hair out over the implications of my recommendations. i trust that my audience will know that a list of beloved objects is perhaps the least important way to get to know me and what i’m about, and also that i would never insist that someone NEEDS any particular product.

i think gifts are a universal language beyond words. it’s like dreams, where your psyche communicates through strange images and scenarios, the lessons of which you absorb subconsciously. the quickest way to know how someone thinks of you is to receive a gift from them. gift-giving requires one to think of another person as a videogame character — what are they doing in their spare time? what small luxuries do they enjoy when no one is watching? gift-giving is also the perfect way to leverage some power in any given scenario, if you’re feeling, as i do, cynical during the holidays.

i have yet to see a list of gift ideas for people that you hate, so i’ve taken it upon myself to make one. you may think that there are few scenarios in which you are gift-giving to someone you dislike, and to that i would say congratulations on your perfect life and relationships. it’s improper to gift someone a bag of coal, lest they confuse it as a playful rib reserved for someone you might actually like, so i sense that the culture is in need of some guidance here.

i’ve also made a list of things that i personally own and would recommend to anyone’s loved ones. some of them may seem obvious, and some may seem frivolous. i would argue that any great buffet of gifts includes a perfect combination of both.

note: i am opposed to directing people to amazon links (especially because workers are striking now through cyber monday!), but i’m sure that many of the things i’ve mentioned can be found as dupes/cheaper on amazon if you’re on a budget or opposed to moral scrupulosity (KIDDING). i’ve tried to note cheaper alternatives where i can

a. any DIY miniature structure

holy fuck i would not wish this on my worst enemy, but maybe you would on yours. i had a kit that sat unused in my apartment for years, and then i MOVED IT ACROSS THE COUNTRY to another apartment. that’s how much of this person i wanted to be. when i finally decided to crack into it, i came to a few unfortunate realizations. every piece is too tiny, the glue they give you is horrible and sticky to everything other than the intended objects, and everything looks like shit. give this to a person who thinks of themselves as crafty and watch it be their final boss

b. fat and the moon dry lavender and cocoa dry shampoo

this gift is so offensive. you could make it yourself by literally just buying cocoa powder and sprinkling a drop of lavender essential oil on top. by gifting this product, you are communicating to someone that they are too stupid to know this. it’s the worst color — it is grotesquely obvious in any shade of hair. it barely works, and when you sweat it makes you smell like undercooked brownies. give this to a person who’s overly righteous about giving up nonstick cookware

c. a large book about a historical tragedy

we’ve all been there.. someone well-read and even more well-meaning gifts you a book that you may have interest in but now, suddenly, an immense pressure to read. this actual book should be genuinely good and insightful, because the best thing about gifting this to someone you hate is that the pressure felt by the obligation to read a book you’ve been given almost always overrides the actual desire to read it, and guilt will be compounded by their relative ignorance of the subject. give this to a person who re-posts infographics on their instagram story and has never volunteered. bonus points for checking in every few months to ask how they’re liking it

d. bagged coffee from a chain

it’s not that the coffee is necessarily bad, but the messaging definitely is. here’s something i picked up while standing in line for something else. it’s totally nondescript and says nothing about the person you’re gifting it to, except perhaps that they are horribly generic and would have been entertained with a large set of house keys as an infant. get this for a coworker who sends too many GIFs in the slack channel

e. a custom wool portrait of their still-living pet

potentially my most diabolical scheme yet. here’s the thinking: it’s so bizarre, but definitely pricey enough to pass off as über-thoughtful. what you’ve really bought them, though, is a permanent reminder of their beloved pet’s impending death. at first funny and kitschy, but over time the uncanny resemblance will begin to grate. they may, in dim lighting, occasionally mistake the wall-pet for their real pet, and experience a brief spook. the pet itself may develop some mortality anxiety, in turn causing psychosomatic issues that require several expensive tests to clear up concern about. give this to someone you’re sure you have a karmic feud with, and hope that this settles it up for future lifetimes