Bricked up
feeling without my phone
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I have a tradition of spending the first week of the year completely offline. After that week this January, and for the first time, I noticed myself interested in finding a balance between analog and the internet (rather than my previously preferred method of believing the internet to be wholly bad, and myself stupid for being unable to detach completely).
Like most things, the internet is a situation in which “the dose makes the poison.” I enjoy watching a dog chase a butterfly on Instagram reels. I do not enjoy forgetting when I started watching Instagram reels, if I decided to do so or if I swiped into it by accident, wondering how long ago the sun went down and why I never turned on any lamps, my mouth hanging open like a baby in front of the cube of blue light.
The scientific jury seems to be out on whether or not “the phones” are addicting in the way that, say, alcohol or heroin is. But, at least for me, the pull is strong enough that simply deciding to moderate my use, employing screen time limits, or setting off the aforementioned avalanche of self-hatred and shame aren’t enough to change my behavior. So, I got The Brick.
I do love the internet, I just wanted to spend most of my time in my waking life. A few years ago, I talked about my wish to create a “computer room of the mind,” making the internet a place to visit rather than a place I live. I began to experiment with a practical way of doing this: office hours.
I decided that I would only visit social media for two hours per week, on a weekday. I hoped it would temper my previous pattern of extreme pendulation (a few days analog, a few days glued to my phone) and help me preserve my experience with the internet I love, without the parts that demonstrably detract from my quality of life.
So far, it’s been working towards that end. But also, the experience been very different than I could have predicted.
Here’s what it’s been like:1
i am capable of spending time in silence/boredom
The other day, the Q was running behind. After a while, I noticed that I had simply been standing on the platform for almost ten minutes, waiting for the train. I hadn’t looked at my phone and I wasn’t listening to music. I was just being in the moment, and it hadn’t even occurred to me that it was happening. This is not something I used to do before this year, except every once in a while to prove to myself I could, during which time the experience felt more like extremely difficult active meditation rather than a normal part of my week.
i have been feeling so much more
I always knew that my phone was a primary tool I used to dissociate from my life and help me not to feel. It seemed obvious to me that this was unhealthy, cowardly even. It was something I was constantly trying to fix and adapt away from. Now that it’s been a month without my most trusted tool, I can say for certain, IT FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My body is extremely smart and wanted to protect me from pain! It was doing a pretty good job! Sure, the other thing hurt me too, but at least it also sometimes showed me a video of a girl doing really awesome makeup! This has been the hardest part, out of everything. The totally base realization that, in every iteration, life is painful.
firm boundaries have created more freedom