Thanks for making this short so I was able to pause at the gym and read it, amidst my work out where I’m trying to not internalize the calorie count on the treadmill or glance at myself from the side in the mirror. I saw/talked to you at your release party on Friday and I didn’t tell you but I thought you looked so beautiful and so happy. Was awesome to see you dance. It’s my Roman Empire too, and I was worried (having been reading your stuff for awhile) that you found a way to release it and I didn’t. I started running again purely because it’s been fun/rewarding to build endurance, but I started losing weight, and I got too happy about it. Now I’m slipping back in. It is painful. Goddamnit
the worse thing about ideas: they don't die. no pesticide of logic or dagger of truth can put the thing down, so instead you wrestle it into a distance or box, begging it to calm down and learn that if you try to make it real both of you won't survive, that its not you or it, but you both or nothing.
as i read this i realized i was unconsciously raising my shirt to cover my chin while laying in my room alone. it really is never over. thank you for this 🤍🤍
A notification from my banking app taunting me with the loss of £30 paid to the gym I have not been to in months that I refuse to cancel because that would mean admitting defeat appeared while reading this, while I lay in my bed binge-eating stale Christmas chocolate, while I think of the spots I will get from said chocolate, while I mourn the loss of my childhood cat and body.
“My Roman Empire is being skinner.” My mother who has been dieting since I was born: “your body changes irreversibly after pregnancy,” she says, “how did Blank’s mum lose the weight so quickly after Blank’s brother was born?” she says. “I might not have children because you get fat,” my best friend says.
My grandmother who half-eats the meals we have at the nice pub every Sunday, then pockets the rest in a napkin for her lunches the next week.
When did food start feeling like an indulgence, not a necessity?
A thought I think will be permanent like my acne scars and love for music.
I lost a ton of weight when I got cancer and despite knowing it was literally the least healthy a person can be I still catch myself feeling happy about being skinnier
this is a sentiment that has been very present throughout my life , but it feels like it has come to an all time high ( or low , depending on how you look at it ). it is hard to try to change and be healthy in moderation , without slipping into something that always seems impossible to come back from. living somewhere that gets cold again makes it harder ( to get moving and to look at yourself in the mirror ) and easier ( to slip back into those self destructive behaviors ). as always , thank you for writing this and everything else you write. love the new album babe.
this was probably one of my favorite writings of yours. out of all of your songs and all of your blog posts and all of your instagram captions, this one piece of writing will stick with me the longest. thank you for sharing yourself in this way, i don’t think i’ve ever needed something more.
This really hit home. I grew up in a very wealthy, homogenous area and I have been ingrained with this toxic idea that my self worth comes from how I look, and how thinner= better. Now I have a “woman body” and not a “teenage girl” body which is something I really criticize myself for /think everyone is judging me about, even though it’s NORMAL to gain weight and have your body change from ages 14-28. Even with that knowledge, and no matter how many “body positive” videos I see, I can’t stop obsessing over food, or lack therof. You’re so right, it’s never over. It breaks my heart that so many people in the comment section feel the same way. I wish for all of us that we were met with lessons on body neutrality when we were growing up. Truly the least interesting thing about us is how much we weigh. Sending love to you Eliza, you’re so wise beyond your years.
Ahh Eliza I often connect with your posts but this one really hit home!! All of these themes have been heavy on my mind lately but the way you put it is just so perfect.
the way I literally have been working on a piece called “i used to be skinnier” but the way it seems to echo in your brain no longer how loud the other music
“If I stopped trying to be pretty I wouldn’t know how to be alive”
Thanks for making this short so I was able to pause at the gym and read it, amidst my work out where I’m trying to not internalize the calorie count on the treadmill or glance at myself from the side in the mirror. I saw/talked to you at your release party on Friday and I didn’t tell you but I thought you looked so beautiful and so happy. Was awesome to see you dance. It’s my Roman Empire too, and I was worried (having been reading your stuff for awhile) that you found a way to release it and I didn’t. I started running again purely because it’s been fun/rewarding to build endurance, but I started losing weight, and I got too happy about it. Now I’m slipping back in. It is painful. Goddamnit
the worse thing about ideas: they don't die. no pesticide of logic or dagger of truth can put the thing down, so instead you wrestle it into a distance or box, begging it to calm down and learn that if you try to make it real both of you won't survive, that its not you or it, but you both or nothing.
as i read this i realized i was unconsciously raising my shirt to cover my chin while laying in my room alone. it really is never over. thank you for this 🤍🤍
A notification from my banking app taunting me with the loss of £30 paid to the gym I have not been to in months that I refuse to cancel because that would mean admitting defeat appeared while reading this, while I lay in my bed binge-eating stale Christmas chocolate, while I think of the spots I will get from said chocolate, while I mourn the loss of my childhood cat and body.
“My Roman Empire is being skinner.” My mother who has been dieting since I was born: “your body changes irreversibly after pregnancy,” she says, “how did Blank’s mum lose the weight so quickly after Blank’s brother was born?” she says. “I might not have children because you get fat,” my best friend says.
My grandmother who half-eats the meals we have at the nice pub every Sunday, then pockets the rest in a napkin for her lunches the next week.
When did food start feeling like an indulgence, not a necessity?
A thought I think will be permanent like my acne scars and love for music.
I lost a ton of weight when I got cancer and despite knowing it was literally the least healthy a person can be I still catch myself feeling happy about being skinnier
this is a sentiment that has been very present throughout my life , but it feels like it has come to an all time high ( or low , depending on how you look at it ). it is hard to try to change and be healthy in moderation , without slipping into something that always seems impossible to come back from. living somewhere that gets cold again makes it harder ( to get moving and to look at yourself in the mirror ) and easier ( to slip back into those self destructive behaviors ). as always , thank you for writing this and everything else you write. love the new album babe.
Urgent. Thanks for writing this
this was probably one of my favorite writings of yours. out of all of your songs and all of your blog posts and all of your instagram captions, this one piece of writing will stick with me the longest. thank you for sharing yourself in this way, i don’t think i’ve ever needed something more.
Eliza this was too real for me for my Tuesday morning in the office I fear
This really hit home. I grew up in a very wealthy, homogenous area and I have been ingrained with this toxic idea that my self worth comes from how I look, and how thinner= better. Now I have a “woman body” and not a “teenage girl” body which is something I really criticize myself for /think everyone is judging me about, even though it’s NORMAL to gain weight and have your body change from ages 14-28. Even with that knowledge, and no matter how many “body positive” videos I see, I can’t stop obsessing over food, or lack therof. You’re so right, it’s never over. It breaks my heart that so many people in the comment section feel the same way. I wish for all of us that we were met with lessons on body neutrality when we were growing up. Truly the least interesting thing about us is how much we weigh. Sending love to you Eliza, you’re so wise beyond your years.
Ahh Eliza I often connect with your posts but this one really hit home!! All of these themes have been heavy on my mind lately but the way you put it is just so perfect.
the way I literally have been working on a piece called “i used to be skinnier” but the way it seems to echo in your brain no longer how loud the other music
😭😭😭💗 this was an incredible read. 10/10 so real and true felt like reading my own diary if i was much more articulate
“I wonder how many things can be undone.” Oof. Thank you for this post
This tells a story that so, so many of us can relate to in so many different ways. I'm really glad I read it. Thanks, Barbie.