Thanks for making this short so I was able to pause at the gym and read it, amidst my work out where I’m trying to not internalize the calorie count on the treadmill or glance at myself from the side in the mirror. I saw/talked to you at your release party on Friday and I didn’t tell you but I thought you looked so beautiful and so happy. Was awesome to see you dance. It’s my Roman Empire too, and I was worried (having been reading your stuff for awhile) that you found a way to release it and I didn’t. I started running again purely because it’s been fun/rewarding to build endurance, but I started losing weight, and I got too happy about it. Now I’m slipping back in. It is painful. Goddamnit
the worse thing about ideas: they don't die. no pesticide of logic or dagger of truth can put the thing down, so instead you wrestle it into a distance or box, begging it to calm down and learn that if you try to make it real both of you won't survive, that its not you or it, but you both or nothing.
I lost a ton of weight when I got cancer and despite knowing it was literally the least healthy a person can be I still catch myself feeling happy about being skinnier
as i read this i realized i was unconsciously raising my shirt to cover my chin while laying in my room alone. it really is never over. thank you for this 🤍🤍
A notification from my banking app taunting me with the loss of £30 paid to the gym I have not been to in months that I refuse to cancel because that would mean admitting defeat appeared while reading this, while I lay in my bed binge-eating stale Christmas chocolate, while I think of the spots I will get from said chocolate, while I mourn the loss of my childhood cat and body.
“My Roman Empire is being skinner.” My mother who has been dieting since I was born: “your body changes irreversibly after pregnancy,” she says, “how did Blank’s mum lose the weight so quickly after Blank’s brother was born?” she says. “I might not have children because you get fat,” my best friend says.
My grandmother who half-eats the meals we have at the nice pub every Sunday, then pockets the rest in a napkin for her lunches the next week.
When did food start feeling like an indulgence, not a necessity?
A thought I think will be permanent like my acne scars and love for music.
It’s a super valid question. I think it’s when we made “fashion” out of food and we let Instagram, foodies and critics drive the food discourse. Instead of hunger and satisfaction and doctors
This really hit home. I grew up in a very wealthy, homogenous area and I have been ingrained with this toxic idea that my self worth comes from how I look, and how thinner= better. Now I have a “woman body” and not a “teenage girl” body which is something I really criticize myself for /think everyone is judging me about, even though it’s NORMAL to gain weight and have your body change from ages 14-28. Even with that knowledge, and no matter how many “body positive” videos I see, I can’t stop obsessing over food, or lack therof. You’re so right, it’s never over. It breaks my heart that so many people in the comment section feel the same way. I wish for all of us that we were met with lessons on body neutrality when we were growing up. Truly the least interesting thing about us is how much we weigh. Sending love to you Eliza, you’re so wise beyond your years.
You are all of us. I am 44 & have spent every year from the age of 15 to 43 trying to make my body smaller than it was, even when it was already really small. I've had eating disorders, disordered eating & been on diets for what feels like, forever. But last year I decided I needed it all to stop. I decided to eat without restriction, to not weigh or measure myself & to just let my body be. It's been just over 12 months since that decision & I can see how much my body has grown but I don't hate it the way I once did. I don't know how much I weigh & I don't want to. Do I like the way I look? Sometimes. Do I look at the woman at the swimming pool & feel envious of their flat stomachs & pert bums? I do. The feeling is fleeting but it's still there. And I feel sad that I STILL feel like smaller, skinnier, leaner is better than how I look- round, saggy, covered in lines & dimples. I never will be like those women & I don't think the thoughts about my body not being good enough will ever away. But I can live with that because they are quieter now than ever before. Hopefully, they'll just get quieter & quieter until I am too old & deaf enough to hear them x
Same experience over here! I’ve actually come to enjoy being out of the rat race of beauty standards. I feel free not trying to be pretty all the time. It’s still an undercurrent but it is not the main current leading the way anymore. I eat what I want, don’t weigh myself. I cut off all of my hair and try not to obsess about what I wear everyday and I am happier:). I wonder if part of this comes with age, I am 44 and only just broke up with dieting about 6 months ago. So for all
Those younger people, don’t be so hard on yourself:)
this is a sentiment that has been very present throughout my life , but it feels like it has come to an all time high ( or low , depending on how you look at it ). it is hard to try to change and be healthy in moderation , without slipping into something that always seems impossible to come back from. living somewhere that gets cold again makes it harder ( to get moving and to look at yourself in the mirror ) and easier ( to slip back into those self destructive behaviors ). as always , thank you for writing this and everything else you write. love the new album babe.
the way I literally have been working on a piece called “i used to be skinnier” but the way it seems to echo in your brain no longer how loud the other music
this was probably one of my favorite writings of yours. out of all of your songs and all of your blog posts and all of your instagram captions, this one piece of writing will stick with me the longest. thank you for sharing yourself in this way, i don’t think i’ve ever needed something more.
“If I stopped trying to be pretty I wouldn’t know how to be alive”
Thanks for making this short so I was able to pause at the gym and read it, amidst my work out where I’m trying to not internalize the calorie count on the treadmill or glance at myself from the side in the mirror. I saw/talked to you at your release party on Friday and I didn’t tell you but I thought you looked so beautiful and so happy. Was awesome to see you dance. It’s my Roman Empire too, and I was worried (having been reading your stuff for awhile) that you found a way to release it and I didn’t. I started running again purely because it’s been fun/rewarding to build endurance, but I started losing weight, and I got too happy about it. Now I’m slipping back in. It is painful. Goddamnit
hard relate, Tori, sending hugs
the worse thing about ideas: they don't die. no pesticide of logic or dagger of truth can put the thing down, so instead you wrestle it into a distance or box, begging it to calm down and learn that if you try to make it real both of you won't survive, that its not you or it, but you both or nothing.
eliza’s writing hit me hard and then this hit me even harder dear god
ditto
I lost a ton of weight when I got cancer and despite knowing it was literally the least healthy a person can be I still catch myself feeling happy about being skinnier
as i read this i realized i was unconsciously raising my shirt to cover my chin while laying in my room alone. it really is never over. thank you for this 🤍🤍
Uggggh I do that too!!!! Also to hide the jowling that is starting to happen.
A notification from my banking app taunting me with the loss of £30 paid to the gym I have not been to in months that I refuse to cancel because that would mean admitting defeat appeared while reading this, while I lay in my bed binge-eating stale Christmas chocolate, while I think of the spots I will get from said chocolate, while I mourn the loss of my childhood cat and body.
“My Roman Empire is being skinner.” My mother who has been dieting since I was born: “your body changes irreversibly after pregnancy,” she says, “how did Blank’s mum lose the weight so quickly after Blank’s brother was born?” she says. “I might not have children because you get fat,” my best friend says.
My grandmother who half-eats the meals we have at the nice pub every Sunday, then pockets the rest in a napkin for her lunches the next week.
When did food start feeling like an indulgence, not a necessity?
A thought I think will be permanent like my acne scars and love for music.
It’s a super valid question. I think it’s when we made “fashion” out of food and we let Instagram, foodies and critics drive the food discourse. Instead of hunger and satisfaction and doctors
This really hit home. I grew up in a very wealthy, homogenous area and I have been ingrained with this toxic idea that my self worth comes from how I look, and how thinner= better. Now I have a “woman body” and not a “teenage girl” body which is something I really criticize myself for /think everyone is judging me about, even though it’s NORMAL to gain weight and have your body change from ages 14-28. Even with that knowledge, and no matter how many “body positive” videos I see, I can’t stop obsessing over food, or lack therof. You’re so right, it’s never over. It breaks my heart that so many people in the comment section feel the same way. I wish for all of us that we were met with lessons on body neutrality when we were growing up. Truly the least interesting thing about us is how much we weigh. Sending love to you Eliza, you’re so wise beyond your years.
You are all of us. I am 44 & have spent every year from the age of 15 to 43 trying to make my body smaller than it was, even when it was already really small. I've had eating disorders, disordered eating & been on diets for what feels like, forever. But last year I decided I needed it all to stop. I decided to eat without restriction, to not weigh or measure myself & to just let my body be. It's been just over 12 months since that decision & I can see how much my body has grown but I don't hate it the way I once did. I don't know how much I weigh & I don't want to. Do I like the way I look? Sometimes. Do I look at the woman at the swimming pool & feel envious of their flat stomachs & pert bums? I do. The feeling is fleeting but it's still there. And I feel sad that I STILL feel like smaller, skinnier, leaner is better than how I look- round, saggy, covered in lines & dimples. I never will be like those women & I don't think the thoughts about my body not being good enough will ever away. But I can live with that because they are quieter now than ever before. Hopefully, they'll just get quieter & quieter until I am too old & deaf enough to hear them x
Same experience over here! I’ve actually come to enjoy being out of the rat race of beauty standards. I feel free not trying to be pretty all the time. It’s still an undercurrent but it is not the main current leading the way anymore. I eat what I want, don’t weigh myself. I cut off all of my hair and try not to obsess about what I wear everyday and I am happier:). I wonder if part of this comes with age, I am 44 and only just broke up with dieting about 6 months ago. So for all
Those younger people, don’t be so hard on yourself:)
Eliza this was too real for me for my Tuesday morning in the office I fear
Urgent. Thanks for writing this
this is a sentiment that has been very present throughout my life , but it feels like it has come to an all time high ( or low , depending on how you look at it ). it is hard to try to change and be healthy in moderation , without slipping into something that always seems impossible to come back from. living somewhere that gets cold again makes it harder ( to get moving and to look at yourself in the mirror ) and easier ( to slip back into those self destructive behaviors ). as always , thank you for writing this and everything else you write. love the new album babe.
the way I literally have been working on a piece called “i used to be skinnier” but the way it seems to echo in your brain no longer how loud the other music
this was probably one of my favorite writings of yours. out of all of your songs and all of your blog posts and all of your instagram captions, this one piece of writing will stick with me the longest. thank you for sharing yourself in this way, i don’t think i’ve ever needed something more.
😭😭😭💗 this was an incredible read. 10/10 so real and true felt like reading my own diary if i was much more articulate
“I wonder how many things can be undone.” Oof. Thank you for this post
This tells a story that so, so many of us can relate to in so many different ways. I'm really glad I read it. Thanks, Barbie.